Lemuel Washington Challenges Happiness Theory

We caught up with Lemuel Washington between fix-it jobs,
resting alongside his railroad handcar in the shade of a bunyon
grove on the outskirts of Hmmm, while his animal Buzz and a
pack of jackrabbits took turns chasing each other through the
briar underbrush.

RM: Do you agree, as was stated, that happiness is the greatest
challenge in the world?

LW: No. Happiness is the easiest thing. Happiness is a simple
matter of minding your own business. Whenever you suspect you're
unhappy, ask yourself: Am I minding my own business? If I am,
could I mind it just a little bit more?

RM: Aren't you curious about your fellow man?

LW: Which one?

RM: Me?

LW: Oh, sure. I'm curious as to how you found me. Frankly,
I prefer not to let nor man nor woman, nor child nor beast,
nor bug nor mollusk interfere with my own inalienable
constitutional happiness to pursue my own business.

RM: Aren't we all part of the world, part of one another?
Aren't we our brother's keeper?

LW: I'm my sister's keeper but only because I can't pawn
her off on a fella. You married, by the way?

RM: Yes.

LW: Happily?

RM: Quite.

LW: Still?

RM: What do you mean still?

LW: Since I just asked.

RM: How do you block out the suffering in the world in
order to wallow in your own private happiness?

LW: When in doubt, I fix something.

RM: What do you fix?

LW: Name it.

RM: VCRs?

LW: Well, there's only one in the village. It never breaks
because nobody never uses it. We only got three channels
and they keep playing the same three shows over in over all
month, so there's no sense in taping because any time you
might want to watch the tape, the show itself is on again.

RM: What are the channels?

LW: Vegetable Channel, Gossip Channel, Dreams Channel.

RM: Dreams Channel?

LW: People go on there and plunk down a dollar and
tell the village their dream. Only nobody watches it
but besides the one that told their dream. But the
dollars are going toward a fourth station.

RM: What's that going to be?

LW: They ain't decided. I'd like it to be The Mind
Your Own Business Channel. Nobody would be on there
and nothing would happen, except a sign that says,
"Are You Minding Your Own Business? If You're Not,
Whom Is?"

RM: And yet everyone knows that the mixed animal has
burrowed his way into your life and heart. I think
you're just pretending to be gruffer than you are
in order to protect your creamy marshmallow center.

LW: My heart is tough as a New York sidewalk before there
was even sidewalks. I didn't have no choice but to take that
mystical fleabag under my wing. It was a globular conspiracy
against me wallowing in my happiness. I fought the universe
and the universe won.

RM: I'm surprised to hear you admit that you lost at
something.

LW: Where'd you get that idea?

RM: Oh, for example, you say you win every conversation
you get in.

LW: How come I don't feel like I'm winning this one?
I guess I mean that I get tempted into conversations with
every knucklehead that wanders my way, thinking I can talk some
common sense into them, and then I win by getting away
with half my sanity in tact, which grows back when I mind my
own business again. And at that, I got a walnut-counting machine
to fix for Laverne and Dyle Plum up Pizana Bandura, although
you got me why'd anybody want to count walnuts. Am I gonna
ask? Probably, but I'll regret it. Buzz! Come here, you
mystical fleabag! Leave them rabbits be! And you rabbits let
Buzz be!