Sunday, May 3, 2009

Riled Up & Dylan's Nihilism.

After being mistookenedly accused (along with Bob
Dylan) of something by somebody, neither of which
I remember, but this was our defense, not that we
needed it:

Riled up to me doesn't mean passionate.
To me riled up means fussin' & fightin'
Trying to win converts to a point of view.
The way I feel, it usually does more damage than

I enjoy Dylan's music for the feelings
it gives me, and it doesn't give me a nihilist's
feeling. Like he said about Things Have Changed,
it's a song. Did you see him accept the Grammy
for that song? That wasn't a man who didn't care.
I don't think that's all he's been
saying for years--that he doesn't care.

I feel like I care more about what I care about
than I did earlier on. I care about the same
things mostly, but I don't have to dress it
up as much as I used to to hide & defend the
vulnerability in the caring.

All I "don't care" about is changing other
peoples' minds about things big or small,
at least anywhere near like I used to.
It's a matter of pleasure. I don't enjoy it.
It's not "fun" to me. And usually
it has the opposite effect of how I intended.
It brings me feelings I don't care to have,
feelings they say more & more can downright
kill you, in fact, maybe even those around you.

The passion I have nowadays runs slower
& deeper & easier & truer & maybe
lazier than when I was younger. It's just
nature, plus being sober for many years for

I don't have that urge to prove things
like I did, that used to run my life, or rather
when I find myself starting to get in that
place, it's a pleasure to remember I don't
have to. The switch from aggression to
perception. It feels fake to argue any more.
I'm not arguing that anybody else ought to
stop arguing, exactly.

I have irrational connections
to people and songs and ideas, and arguing
about them just doesn't make sense to me anymore.
It's like arguing about who I am. I feel those
feelings that people arguing at me gives me,
so at my best I guess I don't want to do that
to somebody else.

But mainly it's selfish, or centered in wanting some
semblance of peace of mind in this world above all.
For sure a part of it is I did so much riling up
& being riled up younger that I don't feel I'm missing much
now to not do it. A lot of other people are riled up
and riling up, I guess I wont be missed if I opt out.
If writing stories is arguing, then it's the only kind
of arguing I'd like to do, but I don't feel it really
is. It's more like just ... writing a story.

But the main thing is, gee, I don't equate getting
riled up and passion, or riled up and connected,
or not getting riled up and detached. Like most
things, it's a matter of perception & perspective.
"We just saw things from a different point of view..."
The hardest thing for me is to remember the other person
has many reasons, powerful and good and right to them,
for feeling what they feel and thinking like they do,
and loving what they love and hating what they
hate. Just like me. Gee, didn't mean to go on so.
Didn't mean to get all riled up.

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